Zelda: The Adventures of Lank, That Fucking Mask
by HatesFanFics
Summary: Links, noun: A torch of pitch and tow for lighting the way in dark streets. Lank is no ordinary torch; he's an unlit torch! He's the dumbest hero to ever set foot in Boobyrule. Read as he embarks on a journey to rescue his beloved placenta-shaped flute, get that Satanistic voo-doo mask, get rid of vagina-mouth the piss-colored fairy, and SAAAAAVE ZA WAAARUDOOOO!


Last night, I had a dream. White text over a black background appeared. It spoke stuff to me about saving a land called Boobryule. It spoke of a hero leaving and never having returned again. Well, whatever all of that means. So this morning I took my horse Bitchpona, and we went for a ride in the woods. It was very foggy, and I'm a dumbass for not bringing a light or something. We were just riding slowly, and all of a sudden, some weird ass fuck appeared and laughed at me. His laugh sounded demonic and childish wrapped in one. I was terrified. I had assumed he had escaped from the local loony bin, because he was wearing some sort of tribal mask and kept claiming he had two fairies floating behind him: One purple and one yellow. The fuck is a fairy, anyway? Was he tripping on mushrooms or something? So he came out of nowhere and knocked me off of my horse. Since I'm a pussy ass, I passed out for a few minutes and don't remember what happened. Except that when I woke up, I had a shoe print on my stomach, and my penis was hard. He probably touched me in the middle of the night. Fucking bastard. So I see him sitting there making out with my placenta-shaped flute, and then he does some magical voo doo shit and jumps on my horse, taking Bitchpona. I normally wouldn't mind because I was already planning on taking her to the glue factory, but he had also stolen my magical placenta-shaped flute. So I did what any sensible molested person would do, and I grabbed onto my horse's tail as he rode away. After a while, he hit a rock, and then I fell off like a pussy, and I cannot have anyone insulting my teenage manhood, so I ran after the fucker while performing multiple aerobatic tricks as the camera, locked, pointed me in the right direction. I made it up to some hole in a tree, so I went inside, but it turns out there was a long fall down to a little pond. Inside of the tree. As I fell, I tripped out for a second and kept seeing these colorful little designs that looked like they were drawn by retarded kindergartners. Then very conveniently afterwards, I fell on my ass on a flower. And wouldn't you know, Mr. Loony bin was there, too! And he was floating. Fuck. I think when I fell of the horse, I hit my damn head too hard. Either that or while he was molesting me he doped me up or some shit. Anyway, the horse was nowhere to be found, so I assume he had eaten her. Good, I was planning on doing the same if the glue factory wouldn't take her. All of a sudden, his mask shot out some purple shit at me, and I started tripping out again. I saw a bunch of little shrub people with glory holes for faces. They were chasing me and I ran away as fast as I could. When I stopped tripping, I woke up, and I had turned into a glory hole-faced shrub person! Loony bin began laughing at me again. A door that was somehow a part of the tree opened behind him, and he began floating away. I ran with my little shrubby midget legs after him as fast as I could, but he was too fast for this body. I felt something nudge against my wooden face, and then I heard little whooshing sounds. Something yellow with wings appeared towards me. Normally, I'd eat something like that, but this thing spoke to me and told me I was a piece of shit. It stuck its tongue out at me, too, even though it's just a floating yellow ball with dragonfly wings and I have no idea where its tongue would even exist, so I assumed it had a labia, and well. Use your imagination there. As it was rearing its vagina mouth at me, it got left behind. Serves it right. Women have no place as guardians for the mentally ill. So after it banged its vagina (or face) against the wooden door in the tree that could have easily been set on fire with one of my fire arrows, it came back to me and started nagging at me. Stupid women, always nagging about how they can't set trees on fire with their fire arrows that they got by shooting an arrow at the sun at a lake. I would have yelled back at her, but I'm actually a mute. That's right, a mute. I can't speak, yet for some reason, everyone understands what I'm trying to convey to them. I think I have freaky mind powers where I can communicate by means of thought. Either that, or it's probably the programming. Yeah, the programming. The only sounds I can make are high-pitched grunts and yelling sounds. Stupid programming. So there I was with my depressed-looking orange eyes and my glory hole mouth staring at the vagina-faced piss-colored cunt fairy. She called me a "deku boy." I have no idea what a deku boy is, and for that matter, I didn't know I was a boy. I mean, I always have worn white tights and a green skirt to fit. I figured that's what was popular for women my age. I even wear a matching green blouse. Except whenever I go out, I always forget to take my sleeping cap off, so that's usually still on my head. In fact, it's always on my head. I don't think I've ever taken it off. So regardless of my attire, she says I'm a boy. Okay, this is news to me. Anyway, she calmed down after I used my brain powers to open the door in the tree. She then decided from that point on to take advantage of my mute disabilities, and to follow me all around the world. Or at least for this game. We exchange names. Hers Tatl, but I prefer to call her Vagtl. My name is Lank. No, not Link. That's that other guy who was supposed to save Hyrule and somehow failed yet succeeded at the same time. Long story, and there's still debate to this day the actual timeline of Zelda games, but now I'm just rambling. My name is Lank. I'm the hero of Boobyrule, and now I've been reduced to a glory hole-mouthed bush with a feminazi vagina-faced fairy while chasing after a mental asylum escapee all to find.. I'm not sure. I'll figure that out as the game progresses. But by the player of the game as my witness, I will not rest (nor will I have a choice to rest) until I find that son of a bitch who molested me and took my important time-traveling priceless placenta flute. Oh, and to get back to my human body and check to see if I'm really a male or not.


End file.
